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Need not Want.

I want something that i know for certain i can’t have. It hurts to face the truth so brutally. There’s always a constant battle going on between me and myself. At times i manage to convince myself that i can have what i need so urgently. I dream up scenarios and envisage such beauty. The things we could get up to. Places we could visit. How lost in the world we could be. But i can’t let myself live like this in my imagination. And so, i face up to reality. Everything slowly comes crashing down and my world is bleak once more. I know for certain i can’t have what i need yet i keep on hoping for the impossible.

How far will you go?

I managed to partially destroy myself. Etch a fresh set of scars. Maybe i should be put behind bars. Injected with colourful fluids and tied up to stare at blankness. Hallucinate about times that never were. Of past scars. Smile at the thought of the pain and the sting. Smirk at the darkness building up deep within. Frown when it’s not painful enough. I’m going to call my own bluff. The isn’t tough enough. The edge, not rough enough. I shall rebuff. I don’t completely want to snuff, out my life. Just play a little rough.

But to be fair. Throw me away. Lock up the key. Send me to hell for eternity.

No More.

I don’t think i can cope anymore. With myself that is. With everything going on inside my head. With the past creeping up everywhere. There’s so much regret and guilt and pain. I can never forgive myself and i can’t seem to let go. It haunts me constantly. Always at the back of my mind. I’ve made mistakes. So many. Too many to live with. It just sits there slowly eating at me but i ignore it. Push it back. I refuse to give in. I refuse to self destruct. And then there’s times where i wouldn’t mind just giving in. Baring myself to myself fully so that i can just pick myself apart until there’s nothing left. Until i am numb and dead.

I push everyone away that tries to help. I don’t want help. I don’t need it. I’m fine i lie. I fool myself and others. I believe my own lies so much that they’re not lies. They’re the truth. I hurt everyone around me and then that adds to the guilt, slowly building. I’m going to fall one day. Further than ever before. I won’t be able to come back or regain myself. I’ll be stuck in an emptiness so deep that there won’t be an end to it. I will be my own downfall. I will kill myself. Someday.

We’ll be fine

The only way out is impossible and the only way in is closed off.

There’s no escape. No room for error. You get one shot. Not three. You miss, and you shoot me. Dead. Then fed. To the dogs.

They drown you and pull you back to the surface just as you lose the battle to live. Enclose you in cells of concrete full of corpses. You break a bone in hope to cope. To feel the pain. To know you’re alive. You strive and thrive… and then, nothing.

It’s gone. You’re numb. A mere toy for their pleasure. The corpses comfort you so you break a bone of theirs. The serrated edge brings hope one more as the blood gushes through the deep cut and surrounds you. As the pool of crimson grows larger, you become weaker. And with each shallow breath till your very last, you feel finally at peace.

And then they let you down…

And then they let you down. It’s not even the “Yeah, i’m sorry” kind of let down. It’s the harsh, having to find out from someone else, for yourself, feeling betrayed kind of let down. It hurts more because you thought they trusted you. You certainly trusted them. But what for? You trusted their lies and deceit and the act they put up only to find out that all the trust you put in them was for nothing. Everything you trusted them with, secrets, personal affairs and your whole life no longer belonged just to you and them. They’d shared it far and wide. People look at you as you walk. They know. They know things you swore to yourself no one would ever know.

Just keep your head down and walk on like they’re not whispering about you. 

Dark on Light

The light shines yet the shadows creep.

Bringing with them a darkness so deep.

Step in to the shadows to hide,

from yourself, from others,

from being tired of being tied,

from being lied, to.

Hide from that yourself.

That side that died that makes you want to cry.

Sleep in the darkness to forget you.

You’re screwed. We’re through.

You grew. You flew, you fell. Hard. Landed in hell.

Oh well. Yell as hard as you can. You’re fault. You sold. You sell. Your soul.

Regret the past. Living life fast. Wasting away. Decaying. Praying. Life fraying. You’ve got to do some slaying to get out of this staying in a betraying place.

Remember, leave no trace, no pace, chase, no heartbeat bass. Throw down your ace. Run.

F’s

Always falling.

Always failing.

Flailing, to find the floor.

The door.

Fear found my freedom.

I felt its flow. It filled me.

It is facinorous.

Let’s commit sins it whispered.

It was absurd. Never censored. All blurred.

So we flew. We did.

It was much ado.

We were flagitious.

We’re through.

And then you foined me. Neither flinched.

I fell fast. I fell hard.

Swooping down to feed on the pain. Still hungry?

Feed on flesh. Leave the corpse. Fly away.

Forever a cycle.

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