This blog is no longer active.
This blog is no longer active.
Maybe. Maybe not.
I have this overwhelming feeling of sadness. My throat’s all closed up and my heart feels heavy and my chest hurts. It hurts so much and all I can feel is sadness. Just sadness. It’s raw and painful and unforgiving. This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’m not supposed to be feeling like this. I’m on happy medicine. I just don’t know. I feel quite confused and lost and so tired. Just so tired of fighting the same battle everyday of my life and i’m struggling. I really want to escape and get away. Have contact with no one or just one person. Lose myself in my own world or in the world of others through books. That’s not happening soon. People won’t let go of me. They hold on. Their hands clutching at me. They drag me back in to their lives when I just want to be free. I’ll see how much longer I last. I have a doctors appointment next week to talk about my medication. I just want these thoughts to leave me alone. I don’t want to feel this pain. I want to be numb.
I think I may change the style of this blog. Instead of just writing poetry and short narratives I may just come here to release my feelings that I now feel I can’t through my vlogs. The aim of the vlogs were to help me but instead they’ve just become another part of a daily routine. They’re not what they were.
Anyhoo, I shall begin typing out feelings and thoughts and other random stuff here just because well, I can’t be creative enough each day to make up a poem. Although I did try a while back. I don’t want to be posting personal thoughts on my personal blog, even though this one is accessible to quite a few people, there’s not a lot. About 16 people.
So, it begins.
The darkness has again started to become overwhelming. It’s tendrils reaching in and curling themselves around any ounce of happiness turning it in to the hate that consumes my very soul. The path of self destruction has begun again. And so let it be a long, winding, difficult road. Let it be a torturous journey. Let her not see the end.
Sat in the corner of a darkened room she weeps her heart out from an unexplainable sadness that overcomes her and can’t be expressed in any other form. Each tear glistening with a memory, a time, a moment long gone. Her laughter a distant sound. He happiness a distant feeling. Her friends, distant. And just as distant, the feeling of being loved.
As she looks around, her heart aches at how lonely she is. At what her life has become and at the choices that were forced upon her. If only she’d said no. If only she’d fought harder. If only… But there’s no more fight left in her. She’s drained from the struggle. It’d be easier to accept that this is her life now. A life that isn’t hers, but his to control. The only thing she has control over are her scars. How deep she can go and how much blood will trickle down her pale arm to finally make her feel numb enough.
The thought of him brings fresh tears streaming down her gaunt, ashen face. Warm and salty. He’d have wiped them away. He’d have held her close as she expressed her sorrow through half mumbled words. He’d have looked after her. Taken care of her. He’d have done everything and anything for her. He fought valiantly for her until the end. But he’s gone. Banished. Now she’s paying for loving someone through this cruel fate imposed upon her by her parents. Forced to marry a man of ill manner. A man of no moral and one not willing to his ‘wife’ but rather treat her as a slave.
There’s no one left to save her. Not even herself. She sighs and wonders how much longer she’ll be able to hold on. How much more abuse she can bare before it all gets too much and she gives in entirely. She knows the answer. It’ll be the day when the last happy memory fades. When she can no longer feel his presence and remember his smell. The day he ceases to exist in her mind will be the day she will cease to exist on this earth.
Lay there curled up with your thoughts surrounding you. Darkness winding itself in to your soul, your head, taking over. It twists and it turns and your thoughts aren’t yours. The pain unbearable as it stabs at your heart with its core of pure evil making you shiver. The truth was learnt and now it must hurt.
The sun doesn’t shine where i come from.
It’s all pale skin. Black hair and lips the colour of plum.
A beauty lost in the distance.
Failing to live. Losing its existence.
I want something that i know for certain i can’t have. It hurts to face the truth so brutally. There’s always a constant battle going on between me and myself. At times i manage to convince myself that i can have what i need so urgently. I dream up scenarios and envisage such beauty. The things we could get up to. Places we could visit. How lost in the world we could be. But i can’t let myself live like this in my imagination. And so, i face up to reality. Everything slowly comes crashing down and my world is bleak once more. I know for certain i can’t have what i need yet i keep on hoping for the impossible.
And it burns like hell. Literally.
For you see i sinned. And i sin again.
The same sin in repeat just a different shade.
A different person.
A different heartbeat to destroy.